come what may

So I walked to college today, elated that I've made up my mind to attend AUSMAT night with the best friends after all. Why I didn't consider going in the first place will be explained some other time, for this post is about the last day of college, or more specifically, AUSMAT. I have always known that this day would come, but its meaning has never hit me so hard, until I woke up this morning with a bitter slap of realization that indeed, the dreaded day was here. No classes were held today, as students and lecturers alike were too busy bonding and taking photos to capture the last moments that will be spent together.

It makes me sad, really. Only when we can tell with confidence that something is slipping away, we get scared stiff and we try so hard -maybe a lil too hard- to keep that from happening. We hold on to time tighter, willing it to stay just a bit longer. We run about frantically, arms flailing around madly, gadgets in hand, beckoning people to come into the photo, so that that moment in time -of togetherness and warmth and camaraderie- will be frozen, able to be cherished and reminisced about in the future. But I guess that's just human nature, to not really know what we've got till it's gone. Or almost gone.

This year, I have gained new experiences and learned many things. Patience, tolerance, acceptance and encompassing everything else, friendship. If it had not been for the many good people I've met this year who have touched my life in one way or another -some maybe more than the rest but have shaped me all the same- I honestly cannot imagine how I would've turned out. So I just wanna thank you, all of you. For making yesterday worth remembering and tomorrow worth anticipating. You guys know who you are. :)

I would do AUSMAT all over again if it means we'd see each other everyday, as it had always been, for the past give or take 10 months.

sometimes, i feel too much. other times, i don't feel at all.

Okay, so my last 2 posts were about people in general. What I don't like about them. Perhaps I've made an impression on you. And I don't blame you.

At times, when I go blog-walking, and read two subsequent posts on a person's blog expressing annoyance or utter incredulity at how people behave, I tend to be judgmental and brand that person as irritable, fixating too much on people's imperfections and as such not able to see the bigger picture in life, and all the other labels that are conjured up subconsciously and automatically upon taking in complaint after complaint of people's unreasonableness and/or lack of regard for common sense.

But now, being forced to be faced with the aforementioned human peccadilloes firsthand, I will think better of judging people based on what they choose to blog about the next time. People blog for many reasons. The most common purpose of blogging is, I believe, to immortalize thoughts, contemplations, cogitations or reflections on one's life, or life in general, on an online diary. People blog about things they feel strongly about. I don't see the point of blogging if you've nothing significant to say. Somehow I feel that there is an unwritten obligation to all bloggers: either you blog about something and make it meaningful or you don't blog at all.

So, naturally, now unlike before, I do not expect to read happy posts everyday by people whose blogs I faithfully follow. Life ain't a bed of roses. It has its ups and downs. What ticks people off, what makes their day, what excites them, what confuses them, basically anything under the sun that makes them feel will be put into words and expressed via a blog post.

If you have been following my blog and paying close attention to this post, maybe you'll figure out the reason behind my decline in blog posts as of late. I did say maybe!;)

I've been incredibly, unbelievably stupid.

Do you know someone who only calls or texts you when he/she needs a favor from you? You only exist when he/she needs something. Did a certain somebody's name cross your mind as it registered these words before your eyes?

If not, you're lucky. Cos unfortunately having this person in your life is a burden, both emotionally and physically.

*

I don't want to believe that you're using me. The idea of it disgusts me. I don't want to be forced to realize that you regard me as a person who is worthy of your friendship only because I obediently do what you ask of me, as and when. That you're taking advantage of me. I don't believe that you are, by nature, a person of such demeanor. Are you asking of me so much because you are willing to do just that much for me?

And I don't understand why, in the past, time and time again, I have given in to you.

There's a first time for everything. Such applies to saying no the next time you impose on me.

Uncertainty is a bitch

Label me as being importune, but I am so sick of trying to get through to you people, confirming if you're coming tomorrow. Seriously, I am. I don't understand how you cannot give me a straight answer. Yes, I'm coming. Or no, I'm afraid I won't be able to join. I'm not forcing you to make it. I just need assurance. Yes or no. That's all I need to hear. Walk a mile in my shoes and imagine being the middleman or the one who is responsible for passing on the message to the rest of the people about a meetup.

P.S. The meetup is with an ex-lecturer and is concerning studies, so yup, it's important considering Finals is 23 days away.

You tell me you have plans tomorrow morning and might not be able to come for the meetup in the afternoon. Plans with your friends. Well, why can't you can get off early and tell them you have something important in the afternoon, so you can give me a definite yes? Or decide to spend the entire day with your friends, so you can give me a solid no? Why give me all this iffy shit?

You say you'll come tomorrow if you are free during that time. Excuse me? How can you not know if you're gonna be free tomorrow during the decided time? You're a spontaneous* person and you're gonna bail if something comes up tomorrow that inopportunely coincides with this meetup? Very well then. Please help me to understand why in the first place, you claimed to be interested in everything that is going to be settled in the meetup.

What is so tremendously difficult and supposedly painful about deciding whether this meetup is worth your time, and telling me straight up whether or not you will be coming?

Perhaps I shouldn't care so much. You're reluctant to come? Fine. Don't feed me your excuses as though I'm begging you to come. Cos frankly, I can't hear you over all the fucks I don't give.

*I have nothing against spontaneity. In fact, I love it. You know, never making plans, just going with what the weather and mood permits. But please, sometimes you gotta know when to get a grip and make a decision.